All the Contradictions of My Life

How come what makes me feel alive takes away my liveliness?

I love myself but I can’t stare at the mirror without wincing. I feel but have lost my senses. I am a good person with an evil gut. My heart beats but it stops every time grief comes around. I loathe social media yet I can't live without it. I feel sorry but won't say it. I want to be better but won’t change. My soul is heavy but feels so empty. I miss you but I don't want you back. I love putting my life in words but hate the feeling after I hit send. I speak too much but don’t say anything. In my lies there is truth. My hands touch but I can't feel anything. That night under blue lights when I told you to stay away, I needed you the most. I am fine until the interrogation is over. I love being recovered yet long for my illness. I hate being misjudged but show myself in the wrong light. I believe in myself but don't trust my intentions. I praise but doubt. I swallow my insecurities but spit them out to others. I want to fall in love but don’t trust anyone to catch me. I want to forget you but I hope you don’t forget me. I want to run away but tie myself to the ground. I want to scream but can only bring myself to whimper. I try to convince myself that I love him but I don’t even like him. I want to eat chocolate cake but keep counting my calories. I feel like I am a good person but hold so much unholiness inside. I trust that my friends know me well enough that they know that they don't know me. I wanted to be blonde but couldn't stand any sign of brightness in myself. I want to shine but spill water at my flame. I cry but my tears dry. I despise people but can’t stand watching them suffer. My legs walk but have no clue where they are heading to. I am writing this but my gut is screaming not to publish it. I want to live but can only manage to exist. I want to be different but compare myself to them. I want to tell them how much they hurt me but I stop myself. We did something bad but used "I love you" as an excuse. I have written 106 poems about you but won't let you read them. I can't wait for the future but miss the past. I run away from my past but put up my own stop signs. I hate my addiction but cry at the emptiness they leave me with when sober. We grow up but we grow apart. I get an A+ in every subject but how much do I really know? My best friend wasn't my best friend. I feel better but I can't stop turning the wrapper. I feel better but keep waiting for the avalanche. People die, people close to me die, and I feel guilty because I am alive. I read but can’t read you. I am excited about life but can’t stop thinking about death. I am loving but remain unlovable. My eyes project confidence but my mind says different. I tell you my secrets but I don't trust you to keep them. I convince myself the attacks stop but keep digging holes in my head. I tell myself this is what’s supposed to happen but warning signs are flashing, screaming that I am mistaken. I am strong but I am not strong enough. I am drowning but don't want to get out of the water.